Sunday, 12 January 2014

I love my stalker

Please don’t confuse me for somebody with a big ego. Ok, the truth is – I admit to having one, it’s like a trained monkey I try to keep it under control but we all know that training a monkey is not only cruel but unnatural.

'Leave the monkey alone' say my animal rights friends. While not healthy I admit I sort of have the same approach with my ego. I try to keep it under control, when it does go native I experience many cringe moments and often find myself apologising to people…a character fault I am not proud of….

Now, back to my stalker story.  I have more than one. 

Stalker one: the one I don’t love.

I worked for an organisation that was quick to shift responsibility and blame (but no authority) to those that were keen to move up the corporate ladder (also known as 'management training).  I was often tasked with moving people on when the organisation had drained them of their expertise, dedication and these people were screaming for recognition by way of promotion, praise or salary increase. There was that one person that didn't want to go quietly. This person had long before shown signs of not being well. 

This individual was from a HR and evil business corporation perspective managed out brilliantly. This person was so outraged that security was assigned to me (and others tasked with the 'move').

Now, I was never a high powered business person to justify such preventative steps, but boy was I relieved.  This poor person needed help and we needed protection. This person is not well and after being let go it understandably became more obvious.

Mix angry with unwell and untreated – I have a stalker for life.  This individual creeps into my life every now and then. It’s now on official police record (yes like celebrity, I have an unwanted stalker) and we all keep an eye on it. With children I worry what this person could do but I refuse to allow this to impact my day to day. I only hope family intervene where at one point employers tried to (for their own protection of course, and failed) to help this person.

Stalker two: the one I love

When I shower, she is there. I push back the shower curtain and there she is, standing in the mist, smiling. When I want a private moment in the toilet – she is there, watching, smiling. Sometimes she even wants to see the end product...

When I want to pick something out of my nose, brush my hair or teeth she is there.  When I want to laugh, cry, and yell – she is there, watching and smiling. She often takes me by surprise, creeping up on me, grabbing me by the leg – or just she just stands there in silence, so when I step back, I find myself almost stomping on her.

There is nothing police / security can do about this one. She is a keeper. She won’t go away in the short term. I don’t even have the right to ask her to leave. She is dangerous. I have often found myself waking in the night in a headlock or a fist in my face.

She is daring. She publicly demands every second of my time. I am scared of the consequences if she doesn’t get what she wants. Now that I have an 9 month old – it’s harder to meet her demands, but boy do I try.

I must confess, after nearly three years of daily stalking, I am used to her. I go for a walk sometimes slipping through somehow without her noticing and I feel empty, alone, desolate.
While I want her to be there, I know it’s not healthy to have her around 24 x7. I confess, she is my drug of choice. I love this stalker.

We have come to an understanding. Stalking is allowed between 7am and 7pm.  Being a stalker with no boundaries one mustn’t be surprised to learn that she breaks that rule all the time.

She comes in the form of my nearly 3 year old. My own ankle biting princess who I love and hope she stalks me forever. Sadly I know she won’t.


  1. Gorgeous Elle. And funny. I never knew about the monkey. You kept him under control when we worked together. xo

  2. How funny and sweet!