The tweenager years

The unwelcome invasion of hormonal, attitudal  (is that a word?), smelly teenagerhood has rudely planted itself in my once, almost peaceful home. One day, I woke up and it was firmly implanted like a concrete blob. Ugly, tough, impenetrable and difficult to remove. No warning, no instruction manual, no return policy.

And - it is as brutal, hurtful, scary and about as confusing as a head on collision. 

I get that teenagers are stressed, angry, hurting lonely -  I once was that hormonal mess - and this is what worries me.  Under the steel strict ever watchful eye of my mother - I had no wiggle room to be a smart ass (at home) but I have an inkling on how the 'A Clockwork Orange'  type of teenage rage campaign is, and for how long it lasts for. Frankly, I want none of it. I want to pull the plug and now. I am ill equipped, ill prepared to handle this. Modern day teens introduce a whole new complexity to the concept of parenting. I not ready to parent this gracefully. I am selfishly petrified and prematurely tired.

How do you not want to throw yourself down and have a two year old tantrum in response to the endless slamming of doors (the neighbors upstairs have complained) the stomping of feet (the neighbors downstairs are hitting the ceiling asking us to keep it down) the GOD AWFUL K,J,C or what I call F. Pop that I endure as second hand listening (akin to second had smoke) at full volume.

I did not sign up to deal with, the full force swinging pendulum of a teen's push and pull psyche. The 'I hate you', followed by, 'I need you', followed by, 'What are you saying?' then the 'You have no idea' followed by the hand action to zip it (which often makes me want to try out a very fatal back slap) - am stuck with the usual parental response said with a sigh 'No! you are not adopted' or 'No, you are not fat' and / or 'No, you are not stupid' with the interchangeable 'Of course you are right' (which of course, they are NOT). 

I have spent endless nights sweating it out, (while bingeing on teen Netflix's series as a little guide) on how to handle it and am too exhausted and traumatised to read or listen to a teen / parent guide book. I just want it to stop.

I understand why people move from the city to the country with their pre teen kids. It's not a life change, or alternative natural experience away from the 'big smoke' that they are after. No!, These clever devils are moving to buy a house (goodbye apartment living) -  on acreage to allow their offspring to be as feral as they need to be.  All this without judgement and importantly without police, or social services intervening in their child's teenage rage.

I am too busy to ask why, or how, or why me?? I am overwhelmed with trying to explain why I didn't purchase the noodles from the preferred supermarket - (when did you become a 2 minute noodle snob?)

I am a geriatric mom, (so I was told at her birth and I am rolling with this description for this complaint piece). I should be dreaming about retirement, not braces. I am supposed to have lived my life hard and happy - so hard that I should be able to to apply a 'no i am not missing out on fun' mentality to my parenting.  Truth is, this gig encourages my need to regress into a fetal position and at worse, to check my blood pressure. 

The light is not at the end of the tunnel for this fast moving train and without that light - its a little scary.